I Hurt Too
by tealstorms
Summary: Another Regina reaction fic after the heartbreaking events of 3x22 and where she goes from there. How exactly does one recover after their soul mate's dead wife travels through time and returns to him very much alive?
1. I Hurt Too

So I definitely cried writing this one. The quote and lyrics to the two songs below were my inspiration while writing. Check them out if you like! Reviews are always welcome.

* * *

_"I feel all shadows of the universe multiplied deep inside my skin." -Virginia Woolf_

"The Universe" by Gregory Alan Isakov

_[the Universe, she's wounded_

_she's got bruises on her feet_

_I sat down like I always did,_

_and tried to calm her down_

_..._

_the Universe, she's wounded_

_but she's still got infinity ahead of her_

_she's still got you and me_

_and everybody says that she's beautiful_

_beautiful_

_beautiful_

_beautiful...]_

"I Hurt Too" by Katie Herzig

_[When you're weary_

_And haunted_

_And your life is not what you wanted_

_When you're trying so hard to find it_

_When the lies speak the loudest_

_When your friends are starting to leave_

_When you're broken by people like me_

_I hurt too _

_I hurt too_

_When an ocean sits right between us_

_There is no sign that we'll ever cross_

_You should know now that I feel the loss_

_I hurt too _

_I hurt too_

_Even though you are drowning in valleys of echoes_

_I believe there is peace in those hills up ahead_

_You will climb 'til you find places you'll never let go_

_And I will also be here praying just like I said_

_I hurt too _

___I hurt too]  
_

* * *

I Hurt Too

Snow couldn't sleep. Everyone had talked it over and thought it best to leave Regina alone, at least until morning. Give her some time to sort things out. As she tossed and turned, Snow tried to figure out what on earth she could possibly say to Regina when she saw her. After all, they were friends of sorts now. It seemed strange, but somehow it felt right all at the same time. With a start, she realized that she was probably Regina's only real friend in this town. The only other person apart from Henry who really cared for her. Maybe some of the others had begun to accept her as an ally or at least as an acquaintance who wasn't out to murder them...but as a _friend_? Perhaps that was stretching it.

As the night went on, she worried more and more about what Regina might do. She remembered how desperate Regina had been not to feel anything when being separated from Henry was too much for her to bear, even to the point of burying her heart in the forest. Concern gnawed at her own heart until she couldn't take it any longer. She got up, dressed against the untimely frost, kissed little Prince Neal's forehead, and left a note for Charming. She ventured out into the snowy moonlight with only her worried thoughts for company, anxious of what she might find.

She had no idea what state Regina would be in. She was accustomed to Regina's anger, it having been directed at her for nearly her entire life. That she could deal with. What scared her was the other side of Regina that she knew existed but had never really seen. The broken side. The Regina that cried. Because she knew Regina did. Often as a young girl, Snow would pass Regina's chambers and hear muffled sobs. She once made the mistake of mentioning this to her father and asking how they could cheer her up, but he could only give her a sad smile in return.

Now standing on Regina's porch she was reminded of the way she had offered her heart to Regina to crush, overcome by guilt after murdering Cora. She cringed at the memory. That was a Regina that was falling apart. Unpredictable and deranged. Dangerous. And then she remembered the last time she had offered Regina her heart to use in order to save Charming. How she trusted her, even though Regina could have easily taken her heart and crushed it once and for all if she so desired. Allowing herself to relive those painful moments, the memory that struck Snow the most was the concern on Regina's face. The tenderness and the sorrow. How Regina had held her hand so tightly and whispered words of encouragement and comfort, slowly and softly laying her down next to her husband. She was the reason she still had Charming. She had saved them on more than one occasion now. She really was a hero.

Snow was overcome with the conviction that Regina, despite all her past crimes, didn't deserve this hand that had been dealt to her. She deserved to be happy and find love just as much as Snow herself did. And despite everything, she still believed Regina would.

The door was unlocked and she pushed through. Within minutes she was up the stairs on the landing, peering into Regina's bedroom through the cracked door. She could see Regina sitting on the edge of her bed. Shoulders hunched, hugging herself. She hadn't even bothered to change. She was adrift between the sheets and pillows of the huge unmade bed as if at sea. Lost. The only light in the room came from the moonlight streaming in from the open window, bathing Regina and the room in an ethereal glow. Snow pushed the door open and waited in the doorway, unsure of what to do.

"Regina?"

The timid syllables hung in the air between them as the broken Queen slowly turned to face her enemy, her step-daughter, her friend. Despite her red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks he kept her face as neutral as she could as if deciding what to do, and for a few moments they only stared at each other. Brown eyes boring into green. Regina's a mixture of shame, guilt, and loneliness. But most of all, hurt. And encompassing all of that, an unfamiliar vulnerability that she had never let anyone see.

It would be so easy to throw Snow out. To yell and scream and hurl words meant to inflict wounds and incite violence. After all, Snow was the one who told her to not hold back. The one who all but encouraged her to show Robin her feelings. And her infuriating daughter was responsible for what was happening now. She had every right to be angry at both of them, at all of them. It would be so easy to hide behind the walls she had built. But Regina was so tired. She felt it in her bones and in her very soul. She was so tired of hate and anger and being alone. After experiencing love, real love, how could she go back to those ways?

Seeing Snow standing there in the doorway, wide-eyed and hesitant, a distant memory came flooding back to her. Little eight year old Snow standing in the doorway of soon-to-be-crowned-queen Regina's chambers, crying that she missed her mother. Regina hadn't know at this point what Snow had done. She didn't blame her or hate her yet. Regina was just as heartbroken over Daniel as Snow was over her mother. And Regina remembered how she had embraced Snow and comforted her, even while silently bearing her own grief. How she had held her until her tears dried and she drifted to sleep, and how she had quietly carried her back to her bed and tucked her in. She always did have a soft spot for children. How she wished, despite everything, that things had turned out differently between them.

Snow's eyes only showed pity, compassion, and love. She realized that she was seeing Regina, really seeing her for what she truly was, for the first time since Regina had saved her years ago from that runaway horse. But even though Regina was changing her ways, it was still hard to see her as something other than The Evil Queen or the frightening mayor. It was hard to bury past deeds of violence and hate and to swallow the biting words she still felt underneath all of the hurt. But now, like this, she did not see any trace of The Evil Queen in Regina. In fact, all she saw was a girl. A girl who had contributed her fair share of destruction to the world, yes, but also one who, somewhere along the line, had been destroyed by it herself. Wounded. The word echoed in Snow's mind and pulled on her heartstrings like a sad song.

_Maybe girls like Regina who felt everything so deeply weren't meant for this world. They were a beautiful and terrible entity all to themselves, capable of much love but also much hatred, who lived in a constant state of affliction. Beings burdened by the conditions of humanity, trapped in emotion by their mortal hearts. And more often than not, labeled with the most unfair moniker, "evil", when they were only misunderstood._

And in this realization, Snow knew that to feel everything so deeply was both a wonderful blessing and also a terrible curse.

Snow stared with surprise as Regina slowly extended her arms towards her as if looking for an embrace, the fear of rejection painfully evident on her face. Snow didn't owe this to her after all the wrongs she had done to her, Regina knew. But she needed a friend, and even though she didn't like to admit it, Snow was her friend and was part of her life now. And maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

In the span of a second Snow was gripped with conflicting emotions. Shock, yes, that this woman who had once hated her so fiercely was seeking comfort from her. Fear and uneasiness, for she had never seen this broken side of Regina before. And then there was something else. A little voice nagging at the back of her mind. _Why should I? Why should I offer this woman comfort who ruined so much of my life and my child's life? Maybe she deserves what she's getting. Her evil ways have finally caught up with her._ It would be so easy, so satisfying in a way, to walk away now and leave Regina hanging there heartbroken and alone. She knew that once upon a time, Regina, The Evil Queen, would have done the same and had done the same on several occasions. But these brief malicious thoughts were hushed by the memory of her mother's words. _"Be kind."_

And the truth was, she had always loved Regina. From the moment she rescued her from that horse she looked up to her with admiration and love. Maybe not as a step-mother, but without a doubt she revered her as an older sister. After all, it was Regina that had first explained to her what love was. Even through everything, Snow cared for her. And she suspected, somewhere deep down within her small dark heart, Regina felt the same all along. Yes, horrible and unspeakable things had taken place between them, but they couldn't keep up with this cycle of blame, revenge, and hurt. It was time to lay this bitter rivalry to rest for good.

Within seconds she crossed the room and was sitting on the edge of the bed hugging Regina. No words were said. None needed to be. Regina was sobbing now, and Snow was alarmed to hear these melodies of heartbreak coming from Regina. She was almost certain that Regina's heart was still inside her chest. How else could she grieve like that? For once, Snow was speechless as she could only hug Regina tight and comfort her the best she could. There were no whispers of hope. No encouragements to have faith. Not because Regina and Robin's situation was hopeless, but because there would be time for talking later. Right now, Snow has happy to just be there for Regina. And Regina, she was certain, felt the same. She didn't know how long they stayed like that. After a while Snow realized that she was crying too. Silent, hot tears. But she didn't mind. Something had changed between them now. Something that had been broken long ago between them was mended by their tears and their courageous, vulnerable hearts. And even if Regina didn't have Robin, Snow would make sure that she was not alone. Regina had Henry and, from now on, she had Snow too.

Regina seemed to have cried herself to sleep on Snow's shoulder. She gently laid Regina down on the bed and tucked her in, smoothing the disheveled hair from her face and wiping away her tears. Looking down at her enemy, her step-mother, her friend, she knew the Queen's mask had finally crumbled. This woman, Regina, was no Evil Queen. Not anymore.

Wiping the tears from her own eyes, Snow decided that it would be best to wait downstairs for Regina to wake up just in case she needed her again or she wanted to talk. Closing the door behind her, she could have sworn she heard a softly whispered, _"thank you"_.


	2. The First Days of Spring

So. I decided to continue because I am a people-pleaser and all of your comments were so encouraging and sweet :) Still not exactly sure where I am going with this but I have some ideas. Stay tuned!

* * *

"The First Days Of Spring" by Noah and the Whale

_It's the first day of spring_

_And my life is starting over again_

_Well the trees grow, the river flows_

_And its water will wash away my sin_

_For I do believe that everyone_

_has one chance to fuck up their lives_

_Like a cut down tree, I will rise again_

_I'll be bigger, and stronger than ever before_

_If I'm still here hoping, that one day you may come back_

_If I'm still here hoping, that one day you may come back_

_There's a hope in every new seed_

_And every flower that grows on the Earth_

_And though I love you, and you know that_

_Well I no longer know what that's worth_

_And I'll come back to you, in a year or so_

_And rebuild ready to become_

_Oh the person, you believed in_

_Or the person that you used to love_

_If I'm still here hoping, that one day you may come back_

_If I'm still here hoping, that one day you may come back_

"Keep Your Head Up" by Ben Howard

_I spent my time watchin' the spaces that have grown between us._

_And I cut my mind on second best or the scars that come with the greeness._

_And I gave my eyes to the boredom, still the seabed wouldn't let me in,_

_And I tried my best to embrace the darkness in which I swim._

_I'm walkin' back down this mountain_

_With the strength of a turnin' tide_

_Oh the wind's so soft on my skin,_

_The sun so hard upon my side._

_Oh lookin' out at this happiness,_

_I search for between the sheets._

_Oh feelin' blind and realize,_

_All I was searchin' for was me._

_Ooh all I was searchin' for was me._

_Keep your head up, keep your heart strong._

_No, no, no, no._

_Keep your mind set, keep your hair long._

_Oh my my darlin' keep your head up, keep your heart strong._

_No no no no, keep your mind set in your ways, keep your heart strong._

_May you find happiness there,_

_May all your hopes all turn out right._

_Ooh may you find happiness there,_

_May you find warmth in the middle of the night._

_Yeah, keep your head up, keep your heart strong._

_Oh, no, no, no, no._

_Keep your mind set, keep you hair long._

_Oh my my darlin', keep your head up, keep you heart strong._

_No no no no, keep your mind set in your ways,_

_Keep your heart strong._

_'Cause I'll always remember you the same._

_Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change._

**"We all get a second chance, Regina. You just have to open your eyes to see it."**

* * *

The First Days of Spring

Regina willed herself from the dark corners of slumber and opened her eyes. She felt as if she was surfacing from the depths of some place of unimaginable grief. Grief. Her old friend. And yet...

There it was. That lingering sense of comfort, sending her heart into a series of tiny flutters. _Snow_.

The kindness Snow had shown stunned her. Sure, she knew her to be a woman of compassion. And sure, they'd grown closer over the last year. They'd been through so much together. But still she was surprised. And grateful. So this was what having a friend felt like.

She was warm. She hadn't yet noticed the frost on her window or that it was lightly snowing outside. Laying in bed, she kicked the sheets off from around her legs and laid there. She sighed.

But she didn't get up. She wasn't ready to face...whatever _this_ was. Not yet.

For some strange reason she felt as if she was starting over. As if everything had changed, not just her relationship with Robin, and not just her relationship with Snow. _She_ had changed.

She stared at the ceiling as her thoughts drifted. She couldn't go back to being the person she had once been, The Evil Queen. She hadn't been The Evil Queen for a long time now anyway. Not really. And she didn't want to be.

_She never wanted to be queen in the first place. Evil or not._

Of course, in many ways that would be the easiest option. To embrace the darkness again that always seemed to follow her. To build the walls up around her heart so high and mighty that no shred of mercy or compassion or love could ever needle their way in. And the citizens of Storybrooke were probably even expecting this. Something stirred within her as she pictured them all huddled in their houses, gripping each other with fear, imagining The Evil Queen concocting another curse to be enacted at any moment and damn them all. At this thought she felt shame, but mostly overwhelming sadness and regret. She was tired of being seen that way. But what could she do? Well, she thought with a start, there is something I could do. These people (though she knew them to be irritable and difficult) deserved a rightful monarch. And besides, they never loved her anyway. This fact didn't hurt her anymore. It was just the truth.

Yes, they were probably expecting The Evil Queen to curse them all over again, inflicting her grief and misery upon them all. But she had no intention of doing that. She didn't even pause to consider it. But what would she do? Where did she go from here? How exactly does one recover after their soul mate's dead wife travels through time and returns to him very much alive?

She'd been here before (in a manner of speaking). Her life turned upside down. On the verge, having a choice to make. Tenderly, in the way you might touch a bruise to see if it still hurt, she recalled the first time she had lost love. What it did to her. What it made her. _Evil_. The word intruded upon her thoughts unwanted. And even though Rumple had engineered her into becoming the monster he needed, she also felt responsible. How could she not? She had made the choice of her own volition to embrace the darkness inside her.

And yes, it still hurt. That bruise was beyond healing. Now it was just a part of her.

She wondered why she didn't feel more broken. Maybe because her heart had already been broken long ago and she'd just learned to live with it. Or maybe because she knew her heart to be the most resilient. And maybe, in a way, being broken and being resilient and strong were the same thing.

A soft tapping at the door roused her from her thoughts.

"Mom?"

She sat up and was suddenly filled with such a desperate need to see her son's face that she could hardly bear it.

"Henry?" Her voice was raspy from sleep. "Henry, come in."

The door swung open. The first thing she noticed was that he'd been crying. He didn't look like he'd slept well either. His eyes were red and puffy. He looked more miserable than she did. Alarmed, Regina got up immediately and went to him, wrapping him in her arms. For a while they just stood like that, holding each other. Henry eventually met her eyes, still holding her close.

"I'm sorry," he finally said.

Now she was very alarmed.

"Henry, what are you talking about? Sorry for what?" she asked, motherly concern evident on her face.

He took a deep breath as if steeling himself and looked away.

"I'm sorry that this is happening to you. You don't deserve it. You deserve to be happy, Mom. And...I'm sorry that I left you all alone and forgot about you. I'm sorry."

"Oh, Henry. You didn't leave me. None of that was your fault. It was mine. I paid the price. For everything. But now I have you back. And that makes me very happy. _You_ make me very happy, Henry."

He gave her another sad smile and she returned it and planted a kiss on his forehead. Looking into his eyes she wondered how she could have ever believed that happiness was impossible.

"Henry." She had suddenly grown very serious. She took his hand and led him to sit on the edge of the bed with her. His eyes were questioning. "When I thought I had lost you forever I tried to put myself under a sleeping curse," she confessed.

His eyes grew wide.

"I hadn't intended on telling you, but I am telling you now so that you will always know how much I love you. Please never doubt that I do."

He reached for her and hugged her again.

"I don't doubt it, Mom. And I love you too."

After some time passed, they broke apart. Regina gave a shaky laugh and touched her son's cheek, a teary smile on her face.

"Can I ask you something?"

Regina nodded.

"What stopped you? You said you tried but..." He trailed off. There was no blame in his question, just curiosity.

"Robin," she finally answered in a small voice. "He was there."

She tried to compose herself, feeling hot tears welling up behind her eyes at the memory. Henry grasped her hand, willing her to continue.

"I told him I could never be happy again without you and he...he told me...he told me that I would get a second chance; that I just had to open my eyes to see it."

The words were painful and as if to add insult to injury they brought back another memory equally as painful.

_"What do you see in me?"_

_"Hopefully the same thing you see in me. A second chance."_

And she had believed it, too. She had really believed that she could start over with him. That she could be happy and that she had finally found love again, just as Daniel's last words had begged her to.

Henry was silent, considering her story. But Regina could see that something was still troubling her son.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Emma said that you told her that she better hope she didn't bring anything else back," he blurted out.

She looked down at her lap.

"Yes. I did."

She forced the words out as neutrally as possible, trying to hide from Henry the effect Emma's name had on her. It filled her with rage. She had no intention of going back to being the Evil Queen again, but these circumstances were enough to anger anyone, evil or not. Even the good guys get angry. She was entitled to her anger. Regina wasn't ready to forgive Emma. Not even close. In all honesty, she was more hurt than angry, and that was even worse. But, she thought bitterly, at least I didn't incinerate her on the spot. That's an improvement.

His next question made her want to cry and scream and laugh all at once.

"You're not going back to being The Evil Queen, are you?"

Her head snapped up and their eyes met. So that's what was worrying him so much.

"Henry-"

"Because Robin was right, Mom. You do have a second chance. _This_ is your second chance. To show everyone that you've changed. You used light magic and you defeated Zelena. You are good. You can be a hero. You _are_ a hero, Mom!"

All at once she realized that he was right. This was her chance to make things right. To prove to everyone once and for all that she had changed. It wasn't the second chance she expected or wanted, but it was the one she had now. Maybe this whole mess was just a blessing in disguise. It would be hard, she knew, to resist the darkness. Especially when everyone expected her to succumb to it again and especially under these circumstances of heartbreak and pain. And she had already failed several times before. But she wanted it this time more than ever. She wanted to be good.

_"I want to redeem myself."_

She remembered speaking those words to Henry once and wondering if she really meant them. Now, without a doubt, she meant them with her whole soul.

Robin wasn't her second chance. She still loved him, still hoped that he would come back to her somehow. But if he didn't, she could still be happy. She had her second chance. She had her choices to make, just like before. But this time would be different. She would choose light over darkness, happiness over anger, hope over fear, good over evil. She would be her own second chance.

She searched Henry's eyes and saw concern and fear. For the first time she understood what it must be like for him, being the son of The Evil Queen. Loving someone who everyone else assumed was evil and who everyone else feared. Wanting to protect someone who everyone else wanted dead and fearing what they might do to her. He had never betrayed her. He loved her despite all her flaws and all her horrific deeds. And Robin had loved her too. It was possible. She could be loved, and she could love in return. She could have her happy ending. She finally fully believed it. It wasn't too late for her. She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat and pushed back tears.

And even though she was still broken, Regina knew that whatever the outcome, she would be stronger than ever before.

_"You're not going back to being The Evil Queen, are you?" _His question hung in the air and in the back of her mind for a long time. She memorized every syllable, the lilt of his voice, how such a big question could be asked with such a small, quiet voice. How much more meaningful it was coming from him and how it cut her to the core. She could see him waiting for an answer.

"No, Henry. The Evil Queen is not coming back," she reassured him softly. There was certainty and determination in her eyes and he knew it to be true. And then she said the words he never once doubted were in her somewhere. The words that he had always hoped to hear her say.

"The Evil Queen is dead."


End file.
